Why Intimacy Matters

Hello friends. It’s been a long while since I have sat down to write something of importance. In the middle of the night, when sleep evades me and my mind swirls, I have written many “half posts”. Jibberish thoughts of things I am curious about or worrying over. I’ve woken with the intent to get back to blogging, and then life and my other obligations have kept me away from my desk. We’ve also been under construction for almost a year which meant my office door was sealed behind some very dusty tarps… but I digress! Back to this writing thing. Since I stopped blogging I’ve really missed sitting down and putting my thoughts to print. And I am hoping some of you have missed this forum too. I know my site needs a major reboot (it is auto-unsubscribing people daily – very odd!), so let’s see if the next few posts resonate with others. And if they do, I might just revisit this blogging thing once again. Here goes!

The last few years have felt astonishingly out of control. The world has felt at war. Literally and figuratively. Sides are divided. People are hurting. Many are sick, chronically or terminally. And the idea of scarcity has people hoarding over sharing, and judging over loving. When the world feels chaotic I need more time to sit in the quiet solitude. I need to create a space where I can just feel the emotions that come along with all I witness in my home, on the news, and through the voices of others. I sent my eldest away to boarding school and became even more acutely aware of just how fast time passes. Her departure was a very real wake up call for me. My time somehow became more precious and I found myself self-selecting out of any plan that didn’t fill my cup either emotionally, spiritually or physically. I yearned to be with only people who really mattered to me. Less fluff and more content in my time and conversations. I’m grateful this year has allowed me space to thoughtfully weigh the places and people I want to pour my energy into. And quite frankly as I inch towards 50, it has felt like the perfect time to make sure that I head into the “second half” with very clear boundaries and intentions.

Boundaries are important when it comes to limiting your exposure to things that cause you stress, but boundaries are also important to keep and protect things within them. Without clearly defined boundaries it is hard to differentiate between what matters and doesn’t. Both the good and the bad of life can feel mixed and inseparable in one large bucket. But as I created boundaries these last few years to keep the bad out, I inadvertently made it very easy for myself to see the good that was within. And so much of the good dwelled within great friendships. People who lifted me up, made me laugh, were honest with me, and accepted me just as I am, crazy quirks and all. I have realized time and again just how critical connection and intimacy are when building a life that matters.

Intimacy is a word often misunderstood to be about only physical connection. But let me dive a little deeper into what I meant in the previous paragraph. For me, intimacy happens between all living things, whether romantically involved or not. Do you have any friends and you know their schedule by heart? Because if you do that means that you talk enough and concentrate enough on what matters to them that you know where they’re going to be and when. You clearly talk about what matters and are paying attention. It means knowing the days when you should call and check in. It means knowing the days when you should give them a high five because they’ve accomplished been working towards. An intimate friendship is one where you know not call them at 8:30 on Friday because that’s when they take a special class. I recently checked in on a friend whose child had a surgery that had been planned for months. I set a calendar to remind myself that intimacy means sending a three word text just to let the person know you see them, you feel their concern from afar, and you care about the outcome of the situation. A few weeks back I was taken down with a bug. Friends had checked in and I shared that I was sick. Within 24 hours I had soup, tea and banana bread dropped off at my door. It reminded me that there is so much love shared in small thoughtful gestures.

I guess the point of this realization to me was how important deep connection remains in a world gone upside down. I think what I’ve come to realize is that a lack of intimacy in life creates a deep sense of loneliness. What I challenge each of us to do in this winter season, which can be quite dormant and calm and beautiful but also lonely, is to think about who you can create intimacy with.  And also to ask yourself, “Are you being a good intimate connected friend with others?” I spend a lot of time making lists and accomplishing tasks. And sometimes I forget to carve out a quiet time in my day when I can ask myself who or what I need to check in on today? Who do I need to worry about or be thoughtful towards. And when I do those things, I have a strong sense that my children are watching and paying attention. They then in turn, are the kinds of kids who do that to someone else. We need to make a world full of good friends. Young people who become adults who don’t shy away from knowing people well, and caring for them deeply. All these years later I stand firm in my belief that connectedness and kindness really can heal the world.