Where do we go from here?

I finally had “that week”. The one where the uncertainty felt too much, death from COVID felt too close to home, the schoolwork felt too frustrating, and the indoor time made my skin crawl. I wanted to get the kids outside, but the rain limited options. I lost my shit on my husband, and started the dreaded “score keeper” calendar. The one where I mark his free time in one color and mine in another to see who was getting more “me time”. (Really not proud to admit that one.) And then I piled a massive amount of guilt and shame on myself because in the grand scheme of things we are so very lucky. We have a roof over our head, good education, healthcare, food in the fridge, and a front yard to luxuriously play in. But that’s the thing about suffering, it is relative and it is our own and must be experienced in order to process it and get through it. That’s the goal for me. Get through the fear and suffering and then make it into something I learn from.

Yoga, meditation, and humor in the form of memes and TV shows have helped to lift the clouds of depression and keep me afloat during these strange days, but in the dark of night more serious topics keep coming to me in my dreams. Two nights ago I woke in a panic after dreaming that a friend had died while with me and I didn’t know CPR and was unable to save her life. A few nights prior my husband and I had been trapped on an incredibly steep ski mountain, unable to ski hard enough or fast enough to get home to our children and tell them that an atomic bomb was about to blow up nearby. I’ve dreamt of unfixable rashes all over my face, and the worst was one night when I woke at 3am from a dream where I floated in the ocean with 5 children. Huge waves started to form and I saved all the children but my own daughter who was ripped away by the current and drowned before my eyes. I felt shaken all day after that one. Because I have so much right now – I keep telling myself that I can’t be stressed. But I think these dreams tell a different story.

Whether we are “haves” or “have nots” in these turbulent times, stress is most likely hitting us all on some level. So this week after news of a family member dying, I allowed myself to really cry for all that has been lost. From the big to the small. I cried for the homeless, the elderly, those dying alone without family in the hospital room, the college and high school seniors missing their moment in the sun, the lonely, the school age children missing year end shows and experiences, the double working parents who feel like they are failing either work or children at any given moment, the mandatory work force employees who HAVE to show up in order to keep people alive. The list goes on and on. I just let it all out. I cried with one friend over the phone, but mostly it was by myself while I listened to music that my children call “this makes me feel sad” music. After the crying, I texted one friend who asked how I was doing and said, “I am just being gentle with myself today.” So that is my recommendation to you today. Be gentle with yourself. Cry if you need to. Hug someone you are sheltering in with if you have that option. And if you are alone, place your hands over you heart, close your eyes, and imagine that me and many others are sending waves of love across the universe to you right now. Sometimes that action can really move the needle for me. Hands on heart. And let’s all remember that this too will come to an end. And many of us will have the option to be better afterwards. This video was sent to me by a friend this morning. It is the most powerful thing I have seen in weeks. Grateful for the reminder that we can learn so much from this time. We can do better. For all of us.

And a big part of feeling normal for me, is figuring out a way to be proactive and help. So in that vain – I am offering up a food drive that any and all in my local area can participate in. I have been heart broken to hear that the local food pantries, which literally keep thousands of people alive in our towns year round, are running low. I think I have figured out a safe way to host a Little Wings Event. (Sidebar – after a decade of being in action, I promise I will update this crummy website soon!) This Thursday afternoon, I plan to have people drive through our u-shaped driveway and just pop their trunks. I will be masked and gloved. If you bring bags of non-perishable goods, we will get them to Neighbor-to-Neighbor, Carver Center, and Person-to-Person. I have personally worked with each of these NGOs and can attest to the incredible work they are doing. (Margaret thanks for emailing and reminding me that we can get creative and help even during quarantine!) I have a sense we will all feel so much better after we take some small “action” to help others. Anything you can spare – or for those ordering or shopping for food, perhaps you can add a bag full of extras to your list? And if you don’t live near me, please consider giving to your local food pantry. So many of them serve elderly who are completely shut in right now. Now more than ever they need our help.

Peace and love and light to all today friends. Thank you for staying in touch during this journey into the unknown. So glad we are in this together.