Mommy: A Memoir

Once upon a time there was a mommy who was very tired on Sunday because she had a big weekend. Sadly that mommy’s husband had to leave for a 4 day business trip that very same night at 7:30pm. That was unfortunate.

On Monday morning when that mommy woke up with her two children at 6:30am for two different school drop offs Kid 1 was sick with a sore throat. That was unfortunate too. Even though Kid 2 was not sick she was still very cranky from such a long weekend. A lot of whining was done. A real lot. Then Kid 2 was dropped at school. Errands were run and Kid 1 tagged along and played copious amounts of games on Mommy’s iPhone. For some reason staring at an iPhone for hours on end seemed to make Kid 1 even more cranky and whiny. Go figure.

After a morning at school Kid 2 was dropped at ballet and mommy’s friend savior offered to bring her home so Kid 1 could avoid spending her 4th hour of the day plugged into digital technology. Phew. Kid 1 dodged a major bullet there.

On the way home popsicles were bought and Kid 1 was brought home. Kid 2 soon followed thanks to “the savior”. Then both Kid 1 and Kid 2 settled in to the sofa to watch a cartoon. (More technology? This mommy sucks.) Kid 2 soon fell asleep and mommy snapped a picture because it was so darn cute to see her sleeping on the sofa. Kid 1 wandered upstairs to “unplug” for a bit. Mommy turned to email to catch up on new job correspondence that had to be replied to. (At this point Mommy sounds like a big slacker but she’s not. I swear. She’s not.)

Mommy was pulled away from her correspondence when Kid 2 started crying from the sofa. Mommy asked Kid 2 if she needed to use the potty and Kid 2 said “no” but kept crying. Mommy headed over to give her a pat on the back and realized Kid 2 did not need to use the potty because the sofa had functioned as the potty. In fact – two sections of the sofa had functioned as her potty. This was a big bummer for Mommy. Kid 2 was still crying and at this point Mommy felt like crying too. (Silly Mommy. Mommies don’t have time for crying.) Instead of crying Mommy bathed Kid 2 and put fresh clothes on her. She then peeled apart the sofa cushions and began hosing/washing all the different elements down. Post clean up Mommy and Kids headed out for a walk since they all seemed to be feeling a little stir-crazy…

(Gosh this story is getting long. Sorry.)

After returning – dinner was made and NOT eaten by Kid 1 and Kid 2. Baths were then given and bedtime should have followed soon after. (I think you all know this is not that kind of story.) Teeth were brushed, kids were tucked in, and stories were NOT read as punishment for all the whining. Mommy then made the bad choice of deciding to take a shower. As soon as conditioner had been administered Mommy heard bloodcurdling screams coming from Kid 1. Mommy jumped out of the shower, nearly broke a leg as she staggered down the hall soaking wet, and found Kid 1 in bed with a major nose bleed. Damn it. Mommy realized blood was on sheets, pillows, duvet (cover is still yet to be bought), and even the bed railing. Awesome. Kid 1 was crying. Mommy then said to Kid 2 (who is 3 years old mind you) “Why didn’t you come get me?” (Great question Mommy. Very age appropriate.) Kid 2 was told to go to sleep. Kid 1 was bathed again and put back to bed in the guest room (the one with the nice sheets).

Mommy started doing the first of many loads of laundry and was once again interrupted by bloodcurdling screams. She ran to find Kid 1 had now thrown up in the middle of the guest room bed (that same one with the nice sheets). Mommy started to laugh and then held it in when she realized how upset Kid 1 was. Kid 1 was then bathed for the third time that night and Mommy set out to remake the bed that had been soiled by the aforementioned nosebleed. Kid 1 was put back to bed, for the third time, and Mommy was back to laundry. Sheets, duvet, duvet cover, and 5 different sized pillow cases were tagged by the vomit. (That’s a lot of washing.) And that’s when mommy realized she had a soar throat too. Not a surprise. Poor Mommy.

* Thank goodness Daddy never called that evening because Mommy probably wouldn’t have spoken very nicely to him if he had called. Daddy really did dodge quite a few bullets in this story…

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